Wish List

An email from my mother in law is in my inbox.  I haven't replied because I have to wait for the angry feelings to go away first. 

She spent some time with my youngest recently and was commenting on how much fun she'd had *stab stab stab* being with my "darling little girl". *stab stab stab* 

She asked what I thought my daughter would like for her birthday, what her interests are and what size she wears *stab stab stab* and then went on to remind me that a) I had once "chided" her for sending a gift card  b) which had been my husbands idea c) since we'd just moved out west and didn't know what stores were there.  Uh, ahem, really?  Let's talk about this, mother in law dear...

First of all, my husband hated gift cards for children - said that they were thoughtless and showed that the sender couldn't be bothered to know the recipients interests or put forth the effort to give a gift that showed any care or connection.  At the time I bought into it and agreed with him - this was information we shared during our dating and first holiday years.  As our children came along he was disgusted on a personal level when a gift card was given to them.  What is a good wife to do?  Smooth it over, shine a positive light on it, make it feel as good as possible, and subtly discreetly refer to the gift card vs gift giving concept in a neutral non threatening way at some time in the future.  Check.  Secondly, the situation she was referring to happened almost 6 years ago - SIX YEARS - when my "darling" daughter was six years old.  A) 6 year olds are pretty easy to buy for and B) after six years I think it's time to let it go.

But... whatever.  I'm easy to blame, I make a good scapegoat for the dissolution of the marraige: I'm not there to defend myself and I never could stand up to their expectations anyway; so it's ok for her to *stab stab stab* me with rubbing my face in my separation from my daughter and to bring up old grudges as a way to set a precedent for what a horrible person I am and have always been. Whatever helps her sleep at night.

In the meantime, a more real reply to her email would be this: 
       What my daughter wants most isn't something you can buy "grandma".  She wants me.  She wants to be happy and secure and safe, and to know that her family is not divided and in conflict, tossing around accusations and lies and trying to hurt each other.  She wants her grandma to help her see her momma, to talk with her daddy about how to make this better, to come and visit with her and do some of the things daddy can't or won't do.  Come, grandma, do some laundry or cook a hot meal, bring her to visit her momma an extra time or two just because you know it's the right thing to do.  Want to go shopping and buy her something? Invite momma along and share it all together.  Want to make her little heart shine and grow? Do what you think you can't: interfere, intervene, intrude.  Or, you could just shrug your shoulders and send a gift card.  Whatever helps you sleep at night.

I don't care if you send a gift card or a gift or if you even consider my words or not.  I am still the mom.

Holding Pattern

My son's cell phone is mysteriously not working. He came back from camp and his phone won't take or make calls or texts.

Before I left the house last year in June, I'd gotten each kid a phone and put them on my plan. I wanted to make sure they had access to me at any time for any reason. I was inconsolable 6 months later in December when my account (and thus the kids) were shut off - I couldn't pay the outstanding balances nor even maintain the regular monthly payment.

For a brief period of time, I had very limited contact with the kids - only on the house phone which became a constant battle with their father who liked to refuse to let me talk to the kids unless I discussed certain issues with him first. Issues like: what hours was I working, what was the name of my doctor, whose name was on my credit card, how much money was I making. You know, important things he NEEDED to know if I was going to be allowed to speak to my kids. Several times I had to hang up without being able to talk to either of the kids. Then, he added them to HIS plan and they had phones again... so I could call them and they could call me and it was better. (I won't go into detail about how back in the summer my son kept saying that he didn't know I was calling him and I discovered that my number had been blocked from his phone - I showed him how to unblock it and then he was getting my calls again.)

Anyway, since I stopped speaking with my ex, stopped taking his calls etc, I've contacted the kids primarily on their own phones. My daughter lost hers so I just call my son's phone or they call me from his or from their house phone. Their house phone doesn't take messages though so when my son leaves his phone at a friends or if the battery dies, I can call the house phone but can't leave a message to let them know I've called. It's always a bit of a frustration but for the most part it works out ok.

Now though, his phone doesn't work at all. My only option is their house phone. For four days now I've had very very very little contact with my children. I know I'll see them in a few days, but I like to talk to them at least once a day - to stay connected, to keep the bond, to remind them of my love, my intention, my effort. It's actually been more than 24 hours since I've talked to them now. I've called. I've called numerous times at varied hours and I haven't even gotten a call back. I know they are fine, healthy, busy, etc but I miss them so desperately and I wonder why a parent can't be bothered to hand a phone to a child and say, "I see the caller ID and know your mom has called, you should call her back" or "have you spoken to your mom today? why don't you call her" or "I'll be at work today, you need to fold the laundry, sweep the kitchen, and don't forget to give your mom a call"

I miss my kids. I hope I'll get to talk to them today. I hope they know I love them, right now, right this very minute, and forever.

Love, Mia